24日是Pancake Day

妳知道做人不能太貪心，如果事情不如自己所願，但至少健康平安，不就是當初跟媽祖祈求的嗎？平安就好，更何況背後還有家人一輩子的扶持；妳也知道該放手的時候，怎麼留戀都對自己無益，不過最困難的正是決心放棄的時分與過程，是個真的會令人崩潰的階段；當發覺自己已經在淡忘的時候，妳知道那其實是個該為自己的勇氣與堅強而感到欣慰開心的時刻，但如果那是件自己根本不想放棄的東西呢？一切的運作都似乎來自那股矛盾。妳清楚知道凡事都是一體兩面，action與reaction，matter與anti-matter的拉扯，符合宇宙運作的原理。只是這時候誰能理性思考，情緒大過於理智的時候，我們就會流淚。

It takes guts to admit that you are actually not doing very well, I mean AT ALL. To be frank, I reckon it takes courage to do just anything. Am I allowed to celebrate a bit that bravery which I don`t have much left? Just a bit. Last week for me was rubbish. I felt completely useless. There ain`t a second that I didn`t think so. I couldn`t make myself laugh. Tried to get a grip but was too vulnerable to face anything. I tried to listen to the Killers, but what was really inside my head simply kept winding me down. I can`t recall what was the last time that I felt so awful. I guess we all have rough times every once in a while! You just cannot keep your head up. You are not doing anything well, even if it is something you are always good at. And of course you try harder than anyone to snap yourself out of that terrible depression, but somehow who knows you might subconsciously develop a taste for plunging into your very own miseries. Why on earth are we doing this to ourselves? And then the next thing you know is that you cannot stop yourself from crying anymore.

24日是Pancake Day，晚上8點在LSE聽完演講，走到Oxford St.與下班的Cindy一起回家。回到家正好看到廚房燈是亮著的，琳在作三明治吃。從她搬進來開始，我們都沒有好好聊過，Pancake Day給了我們機會，我在廚房煎我拿手的pancake，然後移師到我可愛的房間聊天。我發覺這禮拜的動力出現了，不僅我自己要繼續回LSE聽很多場演講，我們每個人藉由聊天的過程，新目標也跟著出現！人生會有好多美好的回憶，住在18 Manchester Grove的這段日子絕對是其中之一。在家靠父母，出外真的是靠朋友。

最近還更期待3月4日的來臨，那天晚上要坐火車去Kingston看Chris自編自導的戲劇，叫做Other Voices。Chris現在在念drama school，現在說他是導演，編劇與演員一點都不為過！許多事情，也許真的沒有自己想像得那麼糟吧？！There are still plenty of them out there worth expecting and fighting for.